Attorney Forgets to Settle Case

When Paul Hastings partner Jeffrey Schmidt flipped through his calendar this past Monday he was utterly mystified at what he saw. Friday, the day he was planning to leave early to “drum up business” at the local racquet club, was completely blocked off for a jury trial in the United States District Court for the District of Columbia. “It couldn’t be,” Schmidt thought to himself. “That case for Wilkinson Oil has to have settled.” Then it hit him, in the midst of consistently ignoring phone calls and emails, he had totally forgotten to settle the case. As a result, Schmidt was potentially encountering something he hadn’t seen in more than a dozen years of BigLaw practice – a case that actually needs to be tried in front of a judge or jury.

Frantically, Schmidt scanned his brain for the name of the associate who handles the Wilkinson Oil case. After some trial and error, he reached Elizabeth Cummings, a fifth year that he only remembered as someone who sent way too many emails. Cummings was ecstatic at hearing from Schmidt. “Jeff, thank God you called – where have you been? I have been trying to reach you since the court denied our summary judgment motion three months ago! I’ve been flying this ship without a proper license and I need your help.” Schmidt apologized for being “out of pocket” and agreed to meet Cummings in a conference room on the 22nd floor to get up to speed.

Two hours later, Schmidt finally made his way to the conference room where encountered a bleary Cummings surrounded by stacks of boxes, notepads and take-out containers. “What in the world have you been doing in here?” Schmidt asked with incredulity. “Isn’t this just a breach of contract case?” Cummings, resisting the urge to dive at Schmidt and stuff every piece of paper in the room down his throat, calmly replied, “Well Jeff, per my daily emails and voicemails I have been finalizing our exhibit and witness lists, preparing deposition designations and filing motions in limine by last Friday’s deadline!”

As Cummings spoke, Schmidt got immediately distracted by how much she looked like his niece from Colorado before getting completely overwhelmed by a pounding headache. “Cummings!” Schmidt interjected. “Please stop. My brain can’t take all of this at once. I’m going to talk to the client about resolving this thing so you can stand down.” Cummings again quickly counted to 10 before asking if Schmidt got the “settlement is not an option” email from the client last week.

Schmidt feigned anger, muttered “of course I did” and stormed out of the room to return to his office. Alone in his office a moment later, his heart racing, Schmidt tried to calm his emotions before turning to his computer, pulling up Google and typing in “books on how to try a breach of contract case.” Good luck Wilkinson Oil, good luck.

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Thank You!

Since the last billable hours of 2009 are upon us, we thought it would make sense to put a small retrospective together on what an amazing year it has been for Litination. A lawyer's need for self-promotion has provided us with almost limitless content. From associates that are hard to take seriously (click here for Associate Photo Captions), to partners that clearly lost a twin along the way (click here for Partner Doppelgangers) we've had some fun with what happens when a lawyer and a camera get together.

We've broken some stories that seem all too real, like law firm libraries becoming museums (click

here for story), the Billable Hour being admitted to the hospital (click here for story) and firms foreclosing on non-equity partners' offices (click here for story). We've suggested a disclaimer for the Snuggie (click here for the disclaimer) and urged several small shops to reconsider their web flops (click here for Small Shop Web Flops).

Fortunately, for the sake of my ego, these efforts have not gone unnoticed. Litination saw its stories appear on Above the Law, Solicitr.com, and in the Timesheets at The Billable Hour. Most recently, we were honored to be recognized by the ABA Journal as one of the top 100 legal blogs (click here).

I'm not entirely sure about what 2010 will hold Litination as I'm a practicing lawyer and the law has been getting increasingly jealous about all of the time and energy I have devoted to this site. Whatever happens, I want to thank each and everyone of you who visited this site regularly to have a good laugh, sent an encouraging note or forwarded a Litination story along to a friend. When you sit down in 2010 for yet another working lunch, don't forget to remind yourself that life's much more fun if you don't take yourself too seriously.

Happy New Year!

-C.J.

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Local Attorney Falls in Love with Own Voice

Yesterday, during his closing argument on a price-fixing case, local attorney, Sandy Clamp, was caught completely off-guard when he fell head over heels with the sound of the words coming out of his mouth. According to reports, the fifty-five year old Clamp was methodically summarizing the key testimony offered by his client when he became inappropriately misty-eyed. He then turned to the jury and softly asked, “Don’t you just love the way that sounds?” before requesting a five-minute recess to compose himself.

“It really snuck up on me,” explained a shaken Clamp in the hallway outside of the courtroom. “At my age, I’m constantly searching for a new passion. When I was talking in there it just hit me, all of this time the passion of my life has been residing right there … in my vocal cords.” Clamp stopped for a moment to ponder what this all meant before pulling out a dictation device and running through a string of tongue-twisters all while sporting a grin from ear to ear.

According to his colleagues, Clamp has been in denial that he’s been in love with his voice for years. “While most people shut their doors when they’re on a conference call, Sandy is notorious for leaving his door open so that his voice can bounce off the halls and all who are lucky can hear his long-winded answers to even the most straightforward questions,” explained Jackie Zechman, Clamp’s next door neighbor at plaintiffs’ firm Clamp, Stump & Foster LLP. “It could be worse though, he does have an oddly melodic voice. I mean, geez, there’s a reason we always have him read ‘Twas the Night Before The Class Action’ at our annual Holiday party.”

Members of Clamp’s family agree that the litigator loves to hear the sound of his own voice. “Usually, our conversations consist of Dad asking me a question and then him answering that question for a good 5-10 minutes before getting a phone call and starting another conversation,” explained Trevor, Sandy Clamp’s often overlooked fifteen year-old son. Clamp’s wife, Valerie, was not upset about her husband’s other love. “Do you know how many fines and tickets that voice has gotten us out of? One time, he actually talked to our cable company so long the representative fell asleep. When he woke up, Sandy threatened to report him to a supervisor. Needless to say, we’ve had free cable for years!”

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This Week's Sign of the Legal Apocalypse

According to a recent study, the reason that the general public doesn't have a favorable impression of the legal profession may be because lawyers keep running into people with their cars. Lawyers came in second on a list of car crash rates by occupation ahead of social workers, manual laborers, and real estate agents. Yep, lawyers are worse drivers than people who spend their day looking at houses instead of the road.

Thankfully, doctors take the cake as the worst drivers, but that's not really a surprise because any good plaintiff's lawyer knows that doctors don't have reliable hand-eye coordination. Some pundits believe lawyers are second on this list because of long workdays, but one has to think that several of these fender benders were Blackberry-induced, right? Either way, I guess this calls into question the concept that most lawyers are risk-averse. Buckle up!

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Things Lawyers Like - War Stories

Someone famous probably once said that being a successful lawyer is 90 percent about experience. So, it almost goes without saying that if you spend more than a passing moment with a "practicing attorney" you're almost certain to hear a good war story. You see, saying that lawyers like to talk about their past trial and tribulations is like saying that Oprah likes to eat. To be fair, part of it has to do with an attorney's constant need to affirm to clients that they're the right man or woman for the job.

Client (frantically): "I just received a call from the Jones Company and they're suing us for breach of contract, we need some help."

Attorney (nonchalantly): "The Jones Company? Don't they manufacture nail clippers? Let me tell you about a case I once handled for a client that specializes in hair clippers ..." (30 minutes later, client (worn down by exhaustion) agrees to let attorney represent him in case).

It's also an invaluable skill that an attorney can use to intimidate opposing counsel.

Opposing counsel (smugly): "Look, I'll give you 24 hours to accept my settlement offer or I'm filing a motion for summary judgment with Judge Hopstitch."

Attorney (chuckling): "Hopstitch likes summary judgment motions about as much as you like telling the truth. Look, I once had a case with Hopstitch where ..." (2 hours later the parties agree to settle the case for half of the original settlement offer)

The problem with attorneys' love of the war story is that it's really only acceptable conversation among other lawyers. Nothing takes the air out of a family gathering faster than a story from Uncle Eli about that motion in limine he once filed in one of his insurance recovery cases. So, a word to the wise, if you see another lawyer in casual conversation going down the war story path, try to steer the focus more appropriately back to the day's weather or at the very least make sure you're sitting in a comfortable chair.

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